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Saturday, September 4, 2010

Did you know . . .

Baseball is for conservatives? It's true -- Caroline May of the Daily Caller said so! She masterfully marshals quite of bit of evidence, too, for her thesis. For this intensely researched article she interviewed four (four!) conservative "serious baseball fans," one of whom mentioned that he knew of two liberals who "enjoy the game." Well that settles it. Clearly, 66% of baseball fans must be conservative.

And the reasons why baseball is for conservatives are just as logical:

1) Conservatives like baseball because it doesn't change (change being evil) -- "the distance from home plate to first base will always be 90 feet and a foul ball will always be a foul ball." And an umpire's call will never be overruled by a camera and the pitcher will always be a batter . . . oh wait.

2) Conservatives like baseball because it is slow, and conservatives want to slow the world down. (Not us liberals, though; I hear our godless scientists are on the verge of creating a machine that will speed up the universe.)

3) Conservatives like baseball because it is elegant like ballet, music, and gymnastics. (Have there ever been three activities more suited to manly, gun-toting, meat-eating conservatives than ballet, music, and gymnastics?)

4) Conservatives like baseball because there is no clock. (And liberals . . . love clocks?)

In my long and illustrious career as a litigator I have never read a more beautifully crafted, fully realized argument. I must drop my obsession with the Red Sox immediately, and take up with an appropriately wussy, un-American sport like soccer. Or maybe cricket.

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